Before Marrying

Engaged couples spend far more time planning their wedding than planning their marriage.  No wonder post-bridal depression is so widespread.    It's the things you don't know that can hurt you.  Marriage Is Not Built on Surprises

Too often, people planning to marry don't ask some questions because they don't want to rock the boat.

Considering the time this has spent on the New York Time's most emailed stories, it's past time I resurrect an old draft to lay out Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying in the extended entry.   

Readers pile in with more questions to ask on bended knee.

Earlier I've written about the financial questions engaged couples should ask in Money is a Life Skill.   

Don't forget the Fool Proof Test for Marriage. or the German Formula for a Happy Relationship. 

Know what the single most destructive attitude in a marriage is.

Know that  hard marriages can harden your arteries and arguments can dramatically slow wound healing.  So you certainly need to know about the Care and Feeding of Husbands.  The latter works well with Animal Training Techniques for Husbands.

Maybe you're just thinking about living together  in which you should know the Four Myths About Living Together.  Guys, the Case for Marriage shows that you will benefit financially, socially, sexually and have a better career when you make that commitment.

Above all, remember Love is not a feeling.  Love is a doing.  Do love.

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?